in a gray area
sometimes i just think to myself about what the hell am i doing now, i've been learning and learning on school and that's fine by me i am completely okay with education. i've been working pretty actively on school because i think that this is very important to my future self, to be more productive and on time. but i've been thinking lately about what i'm doing, and honestly i feel like i don't know where i'm going. i feel like i've been aimlessly wandering around a gray area for... years.
there's also just loads of unfinished hobby projects stored around my computer somewhere, the reason why i don't finish them is because of me actively working more on school because i think that's more important. and later i grew more and more disinterest to the project and eventually just didn't want to work on it anymore. this happens quite frequently on my yt channel, and other hobby projects that i've made. i just so many ideas that i didn't have time to create right now because i'm stuck on this loop of "create project, work on it a little bit, take a break, create another project, work on that instead, and abandon that last project".
this could be just basic ADHD stuff or something i dont know man. i have no idea what's happening anymore, and yes i did take therapy a year ago but that didn't exactly fix my problem, we just focused on depression issues because i did have one of those since the start of middle school.
i've also been ignoring my 2024 goals a lot, one of them is to slow down social media addiction and while i have seen some progress, i feel like i'm not even half way through the point where i'm free of social media algorithm junk, like i'm still addicted to it. one of my screen time tells me that i've been on youtube for more than 4 hours. i get that 4 hours is normal for most people but for me i think i can go lower than that, i have tried something like unhook and turning off history but i keep turning off unhook and switch to one of my accounts where i dont have history turned off. i have been doing this for the last few months and i've been getting used to it. i'm getting sick of this already.
i truly hope that one day i can break out of this cycle and be the actual person who i want to be, but i know that it's not gonna be easy and fast. so sometimes i gotta take be patient and wait for... something to happen i guess.
don't forget to drink water, ~ rqfi, 2024.